Tongue Fu!

What is sharper than a knife? What can hurt more than a punch in the gut? What can sting and hurt longer than a hive a bee stings?

Words. The old phase is right … words cut at you; words hurt. Words can cause emotional pain which can last longer and hurt stronger than physical pain.

We don’t normally intend to hurt others. Yet, there are some nuances that can hurt which we might not realize. Subtle word choices can cause resentment vs building rapport. Can build relationships vs create conflict. Can make people comfortable vs making people defensive.

In his book What Got You Here Won’t get You There, executive coach Marshall Goldsmith devotes two chapters to this topic. One of his best practices focuses on limiting destructive comments – eliminating those needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty. Another is more specific and subtle – don’t start with “no”, “but”, or “however.” These small words can put people on the defensive. Goldsmith believes that the overuse of these qualifiers secretly say to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.”

In his book, Tongue Fu!, Sam Horn shares his thoughts on martial arts for the mind and mouth; words to lose and words to use. Like Goldsmith, Horn suggests subtle word choices that promote positive, constructive conversations. Horn’s goal is to “create light, not heat.” Here are some examples.

• AND instead of BUT – Allows you to connect instead of cancel
• NEXT TIME instead of SHOULD – Coach instead of criticize
• PLEASE instead of YOU HAVE TO – Request instead of order
• CAN instead of CAN’T – Devise instead of deprive
• DO instead of DON’T – Specific what you do want instead of what you don’t want
• SPECIFICS instead of EXTREMES – Specify and request what you do want

While it is a little word here or there, it does make a difference. Learning to respond positively takes practice. Our habits of reacting with the BUT and SHOULD words have been ingrained. Start practicing today. Over time, new habits will emerge.

TAKE-AWAYS: Sometimes it’s not the big changes that make the most impact. It can be the smaller ones. Subtle word choices can create light in an otherwise dark conversation.

#18

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a little slip of paper that said inspected by #18. Who is #18? Male or female? Rich or poor? Do they feel valued? They were involved in an integral step.

I might have bought the jeans at the Gap, but the Gap did not build the jeans alone. There were people who thought of the design, obtained the material, put it together, #18 who inspected the quality, those who transported it, the warehouse people, the staff that put it on the floor, the person behind the register, and more. Together they are the Gap. Missing one role could ruin it all.

This is the same with the church. There are very few things that are done alone. For example, putting on a worship service involves the pastor delivering a message, readers, people to collect offering, greeters, and more. Sunday School not only involves choosing the curriculum and getting teaches, but also filling the seats with those who want to listen and participate.

Recently our pastor took a calling to another church after 28 years. We were spoiled. We retained the same pastor for 28 years. He was mostly out of seminary and then came to CSPC (our church). His ministry, him personally, and his family grew with us.

The author Rick Warren would call us a pastor-centered church. The pastor was at the center. Yes, we have programs and Sunday school and youth groups and pastoral care and small groups. When visitors came to the church, they always mentioned the pulpit message from the pastor. When we had a guest pastor, attendance dropped in half.

The pastor leaving will be an adjustment for us. Yet, the cards that people receive when they are sick are not all signed from the pastor. They are from different people in the congregation. The pastor does not teach every Sunday School class. The pastor is not involved in every small group or piece of pastoral care.

Christ was one man, one great man. Yet, his hands extended only so far and so fast. He called on those who listened to extend his reach. He called on the disciples to share his message then and after his death. Christ did not write the Bible. Inspired it yes, but did not write it. The disciples did not write every book of the Bible. The writers of the Bible did not pull it together as a collection. There was a #18 involved.

We each can do our part; we each can be #18. It could be the soft drink you provide to someone who is working so hard they forgot they were thirsty. It could be the lunch you go to so someone can vent because they need someone to listen. It could be the ride you provide to someone who doesn’t have one.

TAKE-AWAYS: We each add value to the world. Not everything we do is big. It’s the little impacts that build up to make a collective difference.