Song - To Live is to Die

In high school, I was involved in my church’s youth group. I was pressured into it. At that point, church was something I had to do on Sunday mornings. I didn’t want to have anything else to do with it.

Fortunately, I had some friends that I grew up with at the church and they pressured me to come to some meetings. It turned about to be good. Actually, it turned out to be life changing. Each year, the youth group goes to a youth conference held at Montreat, NC. During those weeks, I found myself and how I fit.

I remember this so clearly … during summer before my senior year (1990), I went to Montreat; it’s what you did in the summer. One of the leaders brought his band, Ladder 9, to do a concert. It was my first true exposure to Contemporary Christian music. Yes, I bought the tape and I still have it today.

One of the songs and its lyrics continue to speak to me today … “to die is to live and to live is to die.” When I leave this world, I will go to a greater (eternal) life with Christ – to die is to live. This gives me comfort at funerals, especially for those that I feel left this world too early. To live is to die … as we live and follow Christ’s path, we die with the satisfaction of the love we shared and the promise of eternal life.

I treasure that tape. As I research on the web, I don’t find Ladder 9. I won’t be able to replace it. However, those words have already made an impression in my heart that won’t ever be lost.

It takes all kinds

Have you ever been board at a meeting? Was it not going fast enough for you? Was is more talk and less action?

I have. For all those reasons and more.

Over the years, I’ve realized that there are planners, do-ers, and people in the middle. And all are needed. God and Jesus doesn’t only employ Type-A personalities; they found the planners and do-ers right for the task. The apostle Paul appears goal-oriented, strong, and direct, as well as, augmentative and liked things his way. Peter appears more of a people person, as well as, permissive and maybe long talker. Abraham appears calm and affirming, as well as, indecisive and unemotional. Moses appears respectful and orderly, as well as, perfectionist of himself and imposing that standard on others.

Each is different. And yet each brings something to the table that Jesus and God wanted to use that at point. Paul was able to challenge the status-quo. Peter worked towards harmony which sometimes can take a while and a lot of talking.

Maybe you just need to know what to do (output of the meeting). Then going to meetings is not for you. Maybe you like the conceptual, planning stuff. Then meetings could be right for you. While at the meeting, remember that God has put many kinds of people together. Some are fast thinkers while others need time to think about it.

In our church, work, or other dealings, Jesus is bringing different people together. Different perspectives together. We each have some Paul, Peter, Abraham, and Moses in us. Some are more dominant than others. This mix might change depending on the situation. You could be more passive like Peter about where to have dinner or more assertive like Paul about your child’s medical illness.

Gary Smalley is known for his family counseling practice. His counseling recognizes that you need to understand each person in the family. He has created a Meyer-Briggs type personality test. Let’s call it the Smalley personality test. At its core, the Smalley personality test says there are 4 personality types and each person demonstrates a piece of each. People have expanded on this work to associate each personality type with an animal but also to a related biblical figure. Here’s a simple test and interpretation. Take a few minutes and learn a little more about yourself.

Rider in the rain

As my family was traveling to Virginia this July, we drove through a rough storm. While the speed limit in West Virginia was 70 mph, we were lucky to go 35 with minimal visibility, darkness, and heavy water causing hydroplaning. As I’m driving, I see a motorcyclist pulled over on the side of the road. If you have ever ridden a motorcycle in the rain, you’ll know that they feel like bee bees hitting you (not fun). On this night, the rain must have felt like baseball balls hitting you. There was no shelters, no overpasses. Luckily, a car was also pulled over giving shelter to the rider.

My first thought was the rider must find shelter. My second thought was if I was alone then I would pull over. On this occasion, I had my infant son asleep in back and my wife. My third thought was the gratitude that God sent someone else to be the rider’s shelter; I didn’t have to make the decision.

I remember growing up in the 1980s where my father would pick up hitchhikers. With a wife in front and 2 kids in back, the kids would scoot over for someone we definitely didn’t know. It might only be 10 miles to Florence and the person would take the ride. He/She would be closer to their destination.

I remember my cousin hitchhiking to Michigan around 1990. A fight with his parents, anger, a thumb, and kind people got him to Michigan within 8 hours. Within a few hours of getting to Michigan, he realized it was a bad decision and his brother drove 5 hours each way to retrieve him.

It is 25 years later and we hear the world is different. You know the stories about car jacking and worse. It puts hesitation to helping your fellow person, following that Christian way. My dad doesn’t pick up hitchhikers anymore. My cousin who had a hitchhiking adventure doesn’t pick up hitchhikers.

I’m proud that my first impression was to help. I’m unsure of what I would do if the rider was stranded with no shelter. I pray that I would have provided shelter.

Oz Principle

Most of us are familiar with the Wizard of Oz. Four characters believe that they are missing something and need the wizards held to find it. In the end, the wizard only reinforces that they already had those traits and qualities but didn’t realize it.

The story might be familiar from the Wizard of Oz but it’s also something that you might see every day. My niece says she can’t ride a bike without someone holding on to her (until I let go and she notices she’s riding by herself). At work, they say something cannot get done because we don’t have the staff (until you ask for volunteers who work late to get the work done).

Some people see the glass as half empty. They are reaching for something or someone (the wizard) to follow, to solve their ills. Organizations bounce from the latest management philosophy to another, trying to find that silver bullet. By the way, it usually doesn’t exist.

At some point, you have to the take ownership and accountability. My manager doesn’t have time to help manage my career – so manage it yourself. I need a mentor but we don’t have a mentoring program– so find a mentor yourself. No one asks me to volunteer at church – so just do it yourself; if the grass looks like it needs to be cut, then cut it. No one has acted on my idea on a singles group, then organize one yourself. God might have inspired the idea not just as an idea but for you to act upon it.

The book The Oz Principle : Getting Results Through Individual and Organizational Accountability (ISBN 1-59184-024-4) helps explain this victim mentality, see the yellow brick road to exit this mentality, and let you be your own wizard. A nice book summary can be found at http://www.bizsum.com/articles/art_the-oz-principle.php .

THINGS TO CONSIDER: It’s time for that cowardly lion to roar; you are your own wizard and have the power to control your destiny.

Congruence

Two people can look at a piece of art and get different impressions or interpretations. We can do the same with situations. All men learn early never to ask a woman “when is the baby due” because she might not be pregnant.

Appearance and interpretations of appearance is tricky. When someone cuts you off in traffic, you probably say or gesture something to recognize it. It may not be a nice response. However, he was at work when his wife went into labor and he needs to get to the hospital fast. Wouldn’t you do aggressive driving in the same situation? However, we don’t know why. We only know that we were cut off. We add out interpretation which could be right or wrong.

Virginia Satir’s congruence principle highlights that we need to balance self, other, and context. We need to understand all pieces to provide the best interpretation.

I recently worked with someone who drove me nuts. Lori kept “shutting doors” and was hard to work with. When I applied the congruence principle, I looked at when Lori works best and then I noticed it … Lori was not quick on her feet. Her default response was belligerence and shutting doors. She needed time to digest information before responding to it. I started applying this, giving her a heads up about meeting topics and decisions needing to be made. She became much easier to work with. Notice that she didn’t change … I changed my approach of working with her.

As a manager, I cannot just assume why a person’s performance has declined. Rich was a top performer. He always exceeded his marks. Yet, he has slipped the last 2 periods. He must be slacking. Let me give him a push to fix it … WRONG APPROACH. I had a meeting with Rich. I shared that I noticed his performance decline (non-defensively). He shared that he recognized the decline but he was distracted by a tough divorce. I didn’t know. This was a time of support, not push.

The great thing about the congruence approach is it sounds like common sense. Yet, sometimes it’s hard to find something that’s right in front of you. Practice it today to help it become more habit and common sense.

Song – We Live

Songs can move and motivate you. In general, I’m a very positive person. That’s no surprise to anyone around me. It’s official too. Years ago, I took a Gallup talent survey and Positivity is one of my top 5 talents – things you do inherently without thinking about it.

A recent hit by Superchick speaks to the positivity in me, We Live (lyrics). I pray that the chorus speaks to you too.

We live we love

We forgive and never give up

Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above

Today we remember to live and to love

Song – Faith Like a Child

Songs can move and motivate you. My 1-year old son loves music and does his little dance (mostly swaying) when he hears kids music or during praise songs at church. He really likes to dance at church.

Today, I listen to Christian radio on a daily basis. My wife was diagnosed with cancer last year during the final stage of pregnancy with our first child. Everything’s fine now. Healthy son. Clean bill of health for my wife. With cancer treatment and caring for a newborn (and mommy), I didn’t have time for bible study, Sunday School, and a lot of other stuff. I started listening to Christian radio station to feed the need. A year later, I listen to all 3 Christian stations in my area on a regular basis. It helps center me as I go to work (and when I come home). It invigorates me as I drive to church for worship or group meeting.

I first heard Jars of Clay in the early/mid 90’s. They had a cross-over song on popular secular radio, Flood. As I listened to the words, it sounded Contemporary Christian. I didn’t think much of it at the time and just enjoyed the song. A few months later, Jars of Clay was the opening act for a group I followed (BNL). I enjoyed the Jars of Clay set and bought the album. Yep, they were Contemporary Christian. A cross-over hit was able to reach out beyond boundaries and tell the message of Christ.

I hold one song close to heart, Faith like a Child (lyrics). Here’s a verse/stanza/whatever you call it.

They say that love can heal the broken

They say that hope can make you see

They say that faith can find a Savior

If you would follow and believe

With faith like a child

As adults we can over-think things. Sometimes, we need the simplicity of a child’s outlook to see what’s in front of us. With a faith like a child, we can move beyond our boundaries. Beyond our hesitations. Closer to what Christ wants us to be.

Lord's Prayer

At my church, I have been involved in the confirmation program several times. We pair a confirmand with a mentor. A confirmand is an 8^th grader or higher who wants to publicly profess their faith and be a church member.

During my last confirmation pairing, I noticed something that I never noticed before. As we studied the Apostle’s Creed, I noticed that Pontius Pilate was specifically mentioned, “suffered by Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried.” How many times have I said and read that prayer? I’m just now noticing this.

Psalms and prayers were first oral, shared from person to person until a time when they could be written down. We know that there were other crucifixions at the time; Jesus was not alone on crosses that day. Were there other’s claiming to the Messiah who were also crucified? Was this saying to forget about the rest … the one crucified by Pontius Pilate was the true Messiah?

I don’t know if there is a reason for this. In the generations since that worded and rewords prayers, I don’t know why Pontius Pilate continues to get this attention. It was just sometime interesting I noticed.

Like who you are

Like who you are ... you are the only one that has to be with yourself every second of every minute of every hour for the rest of your life

2 cents

I’m reminded of the woman who gave all she had to the temple offering – 2 cents. While others snickered at her offering, Jesus called it out as an example. It wasn’t 50 gold coins to someone with 500. It wasn’t 20 silver coins to someone with 200. It was a woman with 2 cents who gave all that she had – an exhaustive gift.

Sometimes the gift can be in not-giving. I think sometimes we (including me) give our 2 cents of thoughts and advice too freely. Does the advice improve the relationship? You probably don’t want to continually “share you thoughts” with your spouse. That could be sleeping on the couch time. You probably don’t want to “share all your thoughts with your employer.” That could be searching for a new job time.

In my mind, I’ve worked out a method to gauge if it’s worth it … if I only had 2 cents would I spend it on this. Is the thought, comment, action worth 1 of my last 2 cents? I sometimes need a visual. At work, I have 2 cents on my desk to remind me. In big meetings, I put 2 cents in front of me to remind me … am I willing to use 1 of my 2 cents on this? When I need to listen more and talk less, I sometimes take it literally that I can only give unsolicited advice twice in the meeting. If I can only talk twice, am I willing to use it on this? It makes you double check that the comment will have the benefit that you first intended. Will it be taken that way? Is it worth it? Over time, I am getting my mind to work this way without the 2 cents being visually in front of me. I still keep it at my desk as a constant reminder.

THINGS TO REMEMBER: If you only had 2 cents, is sharing that thought, comment, action worth 1 of your last 2 cents?

Permission

With having a new baby, it’s harder for me to do everything that I once did. Working long hours, sleeping in on weekends, working out 6 days a week, volunteering as much, fancier cooking, any baking, traveling, and so much more. My family has always been my first priority and it just needs more time now. A lot more time.

There were always things that I “didn’t have time for.” Cleaning the house more often, tending to the lawn more frequently, corresponding with more far away friends, blogging, reading that book for pleasure or work, and more. I don’t let these things weigh me down anymore. I give myself permission with no self-guilt trips or second thoughts. It’s a conscious decision. I give myself permission to pick up my son from daycare and spend time with him instead of going to a work happy hour. Sometimes I give myself permission for the happy hour. I give myself permission to blog during lunch 1-2 days a week instead of going out to lunch or working through lunch.

I have 2 friends from separate parts of the country. Recently, they both used that same phrase too – “I give myself special permission.” Kirsten will admit that she’s more comfortable “doing it herself.” Delegating is nice but it’s easier for her to do it herself – team of 1. Over time, she has felt the consequences – stress, not able to do as much as she wanted, not always the best person, running late which affects others, and more. She now gives herself permission to ask for help. It is definitely a conscious decision (and against her nature). She’s not able to rewire herself to be fully comfortable so she gives herself permission. This has reduced her stress and made her feel that she’s accomplishing more.

Shawn owns a consulting business. He’s a great guy, level-headed, and a big F (Feeler) in Myers-Briggs terms. He doesn’t want to impose on people. Yet he needs to sell his services. Shawn gives himself permission to ask people to buy his services. This is helping to make him more successful.

THINGS TO REMEMBER: Sometimes you need give yourself permission. You accept the consequences and path chosen and not chosen. Consciously choosing to give permission is empowering. It allows you to break from your norm and be more than yourself.

Tongue Fu!

What is sharper than a knife? What can hurt more than a punch in the gut? What can sting and hurt longer than a hive a bee stings?

Words. The old phase is right … words cut at you; words hurt. Words can cause emotional pain which can last longer and hurt stronger than physical pain.

We don’t normally intend to hurt others. Yet, there are some nuances that can hurt which we might not realize. Subtle word choices can cause resentment vs building rapport. Can build relationships vs create conflict. Can make people comfortable vs making people defensive.

In his book What Got You Here Won’t get You There, executive coach Marshall Goldsmith devotes two chapters to this topic. One of his best practices focuses on limiting destructive comments – eliminating those needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty. Another is more specific and subtle – don’t start with “no”, “but”, or “however.” These small words can put people on the defensive. Goldsmith believes that the overuse of these qualifiers secretly say to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.”

In his book, Tongue Fu!, Sam Horn shares his thoughts on martial arts for the mind and mouth; words to lose and words to use. Like Goldsmith, Horn suggests subtle word choices that promote positive, constructive conversations. Horn’s goal is to “create light, not heat.” Here are some examples.

• AND instead of BUT – Allows you to connect instead of cancel
• NEXT TIME instead of SHOULD – Coach instead of criticize
• PLEASE instead of YOU HAVE TO – Request instead of order
• CAN instead of CAN’T – Devise instead of deprive
• DO instead of DON’T – Specific what you do want instead of what you don’t want
• SPECIFICS instead of EXTREMES – Specify and request what you do want

While it is a little word here or there, it does make a difference. Learning to respond positively takes practice. Our habits of reacting with the BUT and SHOULD words have been ingrained. Start practicing today. Over time, new habits will emerge.

TAKE-AWAYS: Sometimes it’s not the big changes that make the most impact. It can be the smaller ones. Subtle word choices can create light in an otherwise dark conversation.

#18

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a little slip of paper that said inspected by #18. Who is #18? Male or female? Rich or poor? Do they feel valued? They were involved in an integral step.

I might have bought the jeans at the Gap, but the Gap did not build the jeans alone. There were people who thought of the design, obtained the material, put it together, #18 who inspected the quality, those who transported it, the warehouse people, the staff that put it on the floor, the person behind the register, and more. Together they are the Gap. Missing one role could ruin it all.

This is the same with the church. There are very few things that are done alone. For example, putting on a worship service involves the pastor delivering a message, readers, people to collect offering, greeters, and more. Sunday School not only involves choosing the curriculum and getting teaches, but also filling the seats with those who want to listen and participate.

Recently our pastor took a calling to another church after 28 years. We were spoiled. We retained the same pastor for 28 years. He was mostly out of seminary and then came to CSPC (our church). His ministry, him personally, and his family grew with us.

The author Rick Warren would call us a pastor-centered church. The pastor was at the center. Yes, we have programs and Sunday school and youth groups and pastoral care and small groups. When visitors came to the church, they always mentioned the pulpit message from the pastor. When we had a guest pastor, attendance dropped in half.

The pastor leaving will be an adjustment for us. Yet, the cards that people receive when they are sick are not all signed from the pastor. They are from different people in the congregation. The pastor does not teach every Sunday School class. The pastor is not involved in every small group or piece of pastoral care.

Christ was one man, one great man. Yet, his hands extended only so far and so fast. He called on those who listened to extend his reach. He called on the disciples to share his message then and after his death. Christ did not write the Bible. Inspired it yes, but did not write it. The disciples did not write every book of the Bible. The writers of the Bible did not pull it together as a collection. There was a #18 involved.

We each can do our part; we each can be #18. It could be the soft drink you provide to someone who is working so hard they forgot they were thirsty. It could be the lunch you go to so someone can vent because they need someone to listen. It could be the ride you provide to someone who doesn’t have one.

TAKE-AWAYS: We each add value to the world. Not everything we do is big. It’s the little impacts that build up to make a collective difference.